Wednesday, July 11, 2012
The Nightmare of a Lifetime
I had what could best be described as the most frightening dream of my life last night. As a child, I often had nightmares of monsters in the dark, but this was an entirely new beast.
In the dream, I'm sitting outside in a patio with a long table and plenty of chairs. Though it doesn't look it, I know it's my parents' backyard and my entire family is there: my parents, grandparents, my uncles and their families. Anyway, my dream starts in the middle of a conversation: something my cousin's upcoming wedding. An aunt (though my dreams seldom include faces, I know which aunt it is by her voice) asks me 'what about you, LF?'
I dart my eyes at my mother and she returns an evil expression, and mumble something about not being interested in girls... I should comment that my parents know I'm gay now but are less than thrilled at the news...
What happens next is hard to describe, since it's the emotions I felt while dreaming that scared me, not necessarily what happened. Anyway, my mother spits out 'Why can't you say it!?' I know exactly what she means: she's challenging me to come out to everyone else right there and then. She snarls again 'Say his name!'
I can only muster enough spirit to whisper it 'my boyfriend's name is D'
Suddenly, I'm inside the house, walking back out (perhaps I ran away?) but no one is there... They've all left the patio and I find myself utterly alone. Then I woke.
I have never been more conflicted in my life... While I didn't chose to have homosexual feelings, did I not ultimately chose to act upon them? But if I 'chose to be straight' it would mean a triumph for a mother and she would call out victory, I'd live defeated the rest of my life. Either way, I cannot win...
GOD, grant me wisdom...
Sunday, June 3, 2012
February 2011
[Feb. 1, 2011]
Had a well crappy day yesterday, but I've decided that it's all in the past. I've decided to just let it all go and have a good day today, which I am up to this point.
260 [beginner's matlab programming] was pointless as always. A class that early should be a little more interesting or engaging. We learned abut if-else structures, which are almost self-explanatory. Speech lab was also pointless, but less so than 260. Worked on our speeches' outlines; then, we worked on some exercise, to which I saw no goal, but who knows.
I'm at work now. I parked in a questionable space... I'm gonna go move it in a little bit hopefully and not have a repeat of yesterday - oh wait! that's in the past!)
It's shaping up to be a good night.
[Later]
I guess what I'm most scared about is my possible future; it feels to be slipping away, more and more rapidly. Career fair is tomorrow and I'm completely unprepared for it! [A three-day snow storm would cancel said career fair].
Two-and-a-half hours left of work...
P.S. Jon is gonna ask Brittany out today. I hope he succeeds.
[Feb. 7]
Gus stopped by looking for Rosemary, our other supervisor. He really didn't even say hi, it actually was kinda hurtful. But I think I will be alright.
[omitted]
Of all my years, this has been the most lonesome times. I usually start dating in November, but not this last time; and I haven't been the same since winter break. I wish I knew what to do...
Been reading 'A thousand splendid suns' by Khaled Hosseini. It's really really good, just as his 1st book, 'the kite runner.'
[2/15]
Jonathan sucks at physics apparently, btw. Daniel's sitting across from me on another table... let's just say, I'm liking the view :) [Yes, I checked out my to-be-boyfriend at work! haha]
[2/17]
Aero meeting again tonight. We're almost done designing and will hopefully move onto manufacturing soon.
[2/23]
Been having a good week so far. Stayed up 'till 3am on tuesday to finish my aero/fluids report. It came out really nice, I thought; I did have to revise it before turning it in.
[2/25]
In class at the moment; lecture hasn't started and there's a few minutes before we get started anyway. A lot of stuff has been going down that I've chosen t overlook until yesterday night.
It's no secret that I've been in the aero team for DBF. I've had a near perfect meeting attendance record; having only missed two meetings at the most. Has my leadership been sub-par? Yes. Could I have helped with w/ this problem? Perhaps. But I -have- participated in all discussions, have contributed my opinion and expertise on all matters and decisions. Have I contributed to the team? Yes. I've been an integral part of the team, much like everybody else.
And things started getting weird. It all began when the officers began discussing who was gonna go to competition [in Tucson]. I must confess that I held little interest in going to Tucson and I would gladly have given my seat to someone who deserved it more.
And then the capstone people got involved w/ the project and began to undermine all our work! I must say that i was taken aback by the sudden progress (why didn't Wes push like Brett did?)
At first, the officers though about taking capstone to Tucson. But as none of them are aiaa members and did not pay dues, that went out the door. And that was when I became interested in going.
And then, there was a meeting last Saturday from which I had to leave early. I still haven't heard the end of it... On my way out, I passed Orville, who ended up saying "No wonder Wes doesn't want to take you!"
[2/28]
It's been decided that I don't care about anything that's happening up to this point... whether or not I go on the dbf team trip is of no consequence anymore. If I go on the trip, great. If not, great. If get "picked" to go, I'll go and make sure I room w/ Jon and/or Adam, cuz [sic] I refuse to room w/ strangers.
Otherwise, it's been a good couple of days. Almost out from work at the moment. Lots of math students today.
Had a well crappy day yesterday, but I've decided that it's all in the past. I've decided to just let it all go and have a good day today, which I am up to this point.
260 [beginner's matlab programming] was pointless as always. A class that early should be a little more interesting or engaging. We learned abut if-else structures, which are almost self-explanatory. Speech lab was also pointless, but less so than 260. Worked on our speeches' outlines; then, we worked on some exercise, to which I saw no goal, but who knows.
I'm at work now. I parked in a questionable space... I'm gonna go move it in a little bit hopefully and not have a repeat of yesterday - oh wait! that's in the past!)
It's shaping up to be a good night.
[Later]
I guess what I'm most scared about is my possible future; it feels to be slipping away, more and more rapidly. Career fair is tomorrow and I'm completely unprepared for it! [A three-day snow storm would cancel said career fair].
Two-and-a-half hours left of work...
P.S. Jon is gonna ask Brittany out today. I hope he succeeds.
[Feb. 7]
Gus stopped by looking for Rosemary, our other supervisor. He really didn't even say hi, it actually was kinda hurtful. But I think I will be alright.
[omitted]
Of all my years, this has been the most lonesome times. I usually start dating in November, but not this last time; and I haven't been the same since winter break. I wish I knew what to do...
Been reading 'A thousand splendid suns' by Khaled Hosseini. It's really really good, just as his 1st book, 'the kite runner.'
[2/15]
Jonathan sucks at physics apparently, btw. Daniel's sitting across from me on another table... let's just say, I'm liking the view :) [Yes, I checked out my to-be-boyfriend at work! haha]
[2/17]
Aero meeting again tonight. We're almost done designing and will hopefully move onto manufacturing soon.
[2/23]
Been having a good week so far. Stayed up 'till 3am on tuesday to finish my aero/fluids report. It came out really nice, I thought; I did have to revise it before turning it in.
[2/25]
In class at the moment; lecture hasn't started and there's a few minutes before we get started anyway. A lot of stuff has been going down that I've chosen t overlook until yesterday night.
It's no secret that I've been in the aero team for DBF. I've had a near perfect meeting attendance record; having only missed two meetings at the most. Has my leadership been sub-par? Yes. Could I have helped with w/ this problem? Perhaps. But I -have- participated in all discussions, have contributed my opinion and expertise on all matters and decisions. Have I contributed to the team? Yes. I've been an integral part of the team, much like everybody else.
And things started getting weird. It all began when the officers began discussing who was gonna go to competition [in Tucson]. I must confess that I held little interest in going to Tucson and I would gladly have given my seat to someone who deserved it more.
And then the capstone people got involved w/ the project and began to undermine all our work! I must say that i was taken aback by the sudden progress (why didn't Wes push like Brett did?)
At first, the officers though about taking capstone to Tucson. But as none of them are aiaa members and did not pay dues, that went out the door. And that was when I became interested in going.
And then, there was a meeting last Saturday from which I had to leave early. I still haven't heard the end of it... On my way out, I passed Orville, who ended up saying "No wonder Wes doesn't want to take you!"
[2/28]
It's been decided that I don't care about anything that's happening up to this point... whether or not I go on the dbf team trip is of no consequence anymore. If I go on the trip, great. If not, great. If get "picked" to go, I'll go and make sure I room w/ Jon and/or Adam, cuz [sic] I refuse to room w/ strangers.
Otherwise, it's been a good couple of days. Almost out from work at the moment. Lots of math students today.
January 2011
[Ok, here comes the past. I'll do my best not to filter too much (a lot of it irrelevant to tell you the truth). Anyway, here goes...]
[January 25, 2011]
Gus stopped by work today. I wonder if he'd read my e-mail that I sent him last night? Of if he'll even open it now that he saw me? He was here to talk to Dr. G mostly, but he did say hi to all of us... he came back a little bit later, but Dr. G was in the back office, so he sat with me. We talked about school mostly and how pharmacology school in Abq didn't work for him :/
It felt good to see him. His hair's longer and wears it across his face... cute, if you ask me. Ever since I saw his name at the orientation meeting, I keep replaying the time he gave me a hug over and over in my head. Why didn't I hug him back? Or at least show some confirmation of affection! Perhaps this is a second change?
I suppose one can only be hopeful...
[January 31, '11]
Gus never answered my e-mail... Perhaps that ship sailed a year ago or it was never in existence; I'm thinking it's the latter. I sent Eric a message on facebook [my ex-boyfriend]; perhaps I'm getting desperate and fishing for anything I can get...
Went bowling on Sat. night with Talia and Jonathan. we had fun and talked about stuff. Nothing memorable, obviously; with T and J, it's never memorable, just crazy and fun :) I'm always afraid to talk abut my own problems with the two together... (Jon would tell Amber before the night is over!).
I'm at work, more later...
[Later]
There's a meeting today for the aero team [for a plane-building competition]. I really, really don'want to go; not even a little bit. I have a massive headache and really just want to go home...
[Looking back, I realized I had been been in a dark place, and would be for a while longer. It wasn't until I acknowledged my problems to others and asked for their input that things would get better. I will never repay my debts to Talia and my other friends, but I'll try :) ]
[January 25, 2011]
Gus stopped by work today. I wonder if he'd read my e-mail that I sent him last night? Of if he'll even open it now that he saw me? He was here to talk to Dr. G mostly, but he did say hi to all of us... he came back a little bit later, but Dr. G was in the back office, so he sat with me. We talked about school mostly and how pharmacology school in Abq didn't work for him :/
It felt good to see him. His hair's longer and wears it across his face... cute, if you ask me. Ever since I saw his name at the orientation meeting, I keep replaying the time he gave me a hug over and over in my head. Why didn't I hug him back? Or at least show some confirmation of affection! Perhaps this is a second change?
I suppose one can only be hopeful...
[January 31, '11]
Gus never answered my e-mail... Perhaps that ship sailed a year ago or it was never in existence; I'm thinking it's the latter. I sent Eric a message on facebook [my ex-boyfriend]; perhaps I'm getting desperate and fishing for anything I can get...
Went bowling on Sat. night with Talia and Jonathan. we had fun and talked about stuff. Nothing memorable, obviously; with T and J, it's never memorable, just crazy and fun :) I'm always afraid to talk abut my own problems with the two together... (Jon would tell Amber before the night is over!).
I'm at work, more later...
[Later]
There's a meeting today for the aero team [for a plane-building competition]. I really, really don'want to go; not even a little bit. I have a massive headache and really just want to go home...
[Looking back, I realized I had been been in a dark place, and would be for a while longer. It wasn't until I acknowledged my problems to others and asked for their input that things would get better. I will never repay my debts to Talia and my other friends, but I'll try :) ]
Back from Slumber
I figured this blog would still be up... boy have some things changed and others remained perfectly the same. In the next month, perhaps I will archive my written journal (which I've kept for close to two years now) up here. My boyfriend (see! Things have changed!) is away with his family for June, so I'll have some alone time that I can use to look at the past... see where I'm headed. Until then...
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