Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The Nightmare of a Lifetime

I had what could best be described as the most frightening dream of my life last night. As a child, I often had nightmares of monsters in the dark, but this was an entirely new beast. In the dream, I'm sitting outside in a patio with a long table and plenty of chairs. Though it doesn't look it, I know it's my parents' backyard and my entire family is there: my parents, grandparents, my uncles and their families. Anyway, my dream starts in the middle of a conversation: something my cousin's upcoming wedding. An aunt (though my dreams seldom include faces, I know which aunt it is by her voice) asks me 'what about you, LF?' I dart my eyes at my mother and she returns an evil expression, and mumble something about not being interested in girls... I should comment that my parents know I'm gay now but are less than thrilled at the news... What happens next is hard to describe, since it's the emotions I felt while dreaming that scared me, not necessarily what happened. Anyway, my mother spits out 'Why can't you say it!?' I know exactly what she means: she's challenging me to come out to everyone else right there and then. She snarls again 'Say his name!' I can only muster enough spirit to whisper it 'my boyfriend's name is D' Suddenly, I'm inside the house, walking back out (perhaps I ran away?) but no one is there... They've all left the patio and I find myself utterly alone. Then I woke. I have never been more conflicted in my life... While I didn't chose to have homosexual feelings, did I not ultimately chose to act upon them? But if I 'chose to be straight' it would mean a triumph for a mother and she would call out victory, I'd live defeated the rest of my life. Either way, I cannot win... GOD, grant me wisdom...

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