Wednesday, July 11, 2012
The Nightmare of a Lifetime
I had what could best be described as the most frightening dream of my life last night. As a child, I often had nightmares of monsters in the dark, but this was an entirely new beast.
In the dream, I'm sitting outside in a patio with a long table and plenty of chairs. Though it doesn't look it, I know it's my parents' backyard and my entire family is there: my parents, grandparents, my uncles and their families. Anyway, my dream starts in the middle of a conversation: something my cousin's upcoming wedding. An aunt (though my dreams seldom include faces, I know which aunt it is by her voice) asks me 'what about you, LF?'
I dart my eyes at my mother and she returns an evil expression, and mumble something about not being interested in girls... I should comment that my parents know I'm gay now but are less than thrilled at the news...
What happens next is hard to describe, since it's the emotions I felt while dreaming that scared me, not necessarily what happened. Anyway, my mother spits out 'Why can't you say it!?' I know exactly what she means: she's challenging me to come out to everyone else right there and then. She snarls again 'Say his name!'
I can only muster enough spirit to whisper it 'my boyfriend's name is D'
Suddenly, I'm inside the house, walking back out (perhaps I ran away?) but no one is there... They've all left the patio and I find myself utterly alone. Then I woke.
I have never been more conflicted in my life... While I didn't chose to have homosexual feelings, did I not ultimately chose to act upon them? But if I 'chose to be straight' it would mean a triumph for a mother and she would call out victory, I'd live defeated the rest of my life. Either way, I cannot win...
GOD, grant me wisdom...
Sunday, June 3, 2012
February 2011
[Feb. 1, 2011]
Had a well crappy day yesterday, but I've decided that it's all in the past. I've decided to just let it all go and have a good day today, which I am up to this point.
260 [beginner's matlab programming] was pointless as always. A class that early should be a little more interesting or engaging. We learned abut if-else structures, which are almost self-explanatory. Speech lab was also pointless, but less so than 260. Worked on our speeches' outlines; then, we worked on some exercise, to which I saw no goal, but who knows.
I'm at work now. I parked in a questionable space... I'm gonna go move it in a little bit hopefully and not have a repeat of yesterday - oh wait! that's in the past!)
It's shaping up to be a good night.
[Later]
I guess what I'm most scared about is my possible future; it feels to be slipping away, more and more rapidly. Career fair is tomorrow and I'm completely unprepared for it! [A three-day snow storm would cancel said career fair].
Two-and-a-half hours left of work...
P.S. Jon is gonna ask Brittany out today. I hope he succeeds.
[Feb. 7]
Gus stopped by looking for Rosemary, our other supervisor. He really didn't even say hi, it actually was kinda hurtful. But I think I will be alright.
[omitted]
Of all my years, this has been the most lonesome times. I usually start dating in November, but not this last time; and I haven't been the same since winter break. I wish I knew what to do...
Been reading 'A thousand splendid suns' by Khaled Hosseini. It's really really good, just as his 1st book, 'the kite runner.'
[2/15]
Jonathan sucks at physics apparently, btw. Daniel's sitting across from me on another table... let's just say, I'm liking the view :) [Yes, I checked out my to-be-boyfriend at work! haha]
[2/17]
Aero meeting again tonight. We're almost done designing and will hopefully move onto manufacturing soon.
[2/23]
Been having a good week so far. Stayed up 'till 3am on tuesday to finish my aero/fluids report. It came out really nice, I thought; I did have to revise it before turning it in.
[2/25]
In class at the moment; lecture hasn't started and there's a few minutes before we get started anyway. A lot of stuff has been going down that I've chosen t overlook until yesterday night.
It's no secret that I've been in the aero team for DBF. I've had a near perfect meeting attendance record; having only missed two meetings at the most. Has my leadership been sub-par? Yes. Could I have helped with w/ this problem? Perhaps. But I -have- participated in all discussions, have contributed my opinion and expertise on all matters and decisions. Have I contributed to the team? Yes. I've been an integral part of the team, much like everybody else.
And things started getting weird. It all began when the officers began discussing who was gonna go to competition [in Tucson]. I must confess that I held little interest in going to Tucson and I would gladly have given my seat to someone who deserved it more.
And then the capstone people got involved w/ the project and began to undermine all our work! I must say that i was taken aback by the sudden progress (why didn't Wes push like Brett did?)
At first, the officers though about taking capstone to Tucson. But as none of them are aiaa members and did not pay dues, that went out the door. And that was when I became interested in going.
And then, there was a meeting last Saturday from which I had to leave early. I still haven't heard the end of it... On my way out, I passed Orville, who ended up saying "No wonder Wes doesn't want to take you!"
[2/28]
It's been decided that I don't care about anything that's happening up to this point... whether or not I go on the dbf team trip is of no consequence anymore. If I go on the trip, great. If not, great. If get "picked" to go, I'll go and make sure I room w/ Jon and/or Adam, cuz [sic] I refuse to room w/ strangers.
Otherwise, it's been a good couple of days. Almost out from work at the moment. Lots of math students today.
Had a well crappy day yesterday, but I've decided that it's all in the past. I've decided to just let it all go and have a good day today, which I am up to this point.
260 [beginner's matlab programming] was pointless as always. A class that early should be a little more interesting or engaging. We learned abut if-else structures, which are almost self-explanatory. Speech lab was also pointless, but less so than 260. Worked on our speeches' outlines; then, we worked on some exercise, to which I saw no goal, but who knows.
I'm at work now. I parked in a questionable space... I'm gonna go move it in a little bit hopefully and not have a repeat of yesterday - oh wait! that's in the past!)
It's shaping up to be a good night.
[Later]
I guess what I'm most scared about is my possible future; it feels to be slipping away, more and more rapidly. Career fair is tomorrow and I'm completely unprepared for it! [A three-day snow storm would cancel said career fair].
Two-and-a-half hours left of work...
P.S. Jon is gonna ask Brittany out today. I hope he succeeds.
[Feb. 7]
Gus stopped by looking for Rosemary, our other supervisor. He really didn't even say hi, it actually was kinda hurtful. But I think I will be alright.
[omitted]
Of all my years, this has been the most lonesome times. I usually start dating in November, but not this last time; and I haven't been the same since winter break. I wish I knew what to do...
Been reading 'A thousand splendid suns' by Khaled Hosseini. It's really really good, just as his 1st book, 'the kite runner.'
[2/15]
Jonathan sucks at physics apparently, btw. Daniel's sitting across from me on another table... let's just say, I'm liking the view :) [Yes, I checked out my to-be-boyfriend at work! haha]
[2/17]
Aero meeting again tonight. We're almost done designing and will hopefully move onto manufacturing soon.
[2/23]
Been having a good week so far. Stayed up 'till 3am on tuesday to finish my aero/fluids report. It came out really nice, I thought; I did have to revise it before turning it in.
[2/25]
In class at the moment; lecture hasn't started and there's a few minutes before we get started anyway. A lot of stuff has been going down that I've chosen t overlook until yesterday night.
It's no secret that I've been in the aero team for DBF. I've had a near perfect meeting attendance record; having only missed two meetings at the most. Has my leadership been sub-par? Yes. Could I have helped with w/ this problem? Perhaps. But I -have- participated in all discussions, have contributed my opinion and expertise on all matters and decisions. Have I contributed to the team? Yes. I've been an integral part of the team, much like everybody else.
And things started getting weird. It all began when the officers began discussing who was gonna go to competition [in Tucson]. I must confess that I held little interest in going to Tucson and I would gladly have given my seat to someone who deserved it more.
And then the capstone people got involved w/ the project and began to undermine all our work! I must say that i was taken aback by the sudden progress (why didn't Wes push like Brett did?)
At first, the officers though about taking capstone to Tucson. But as none of them are aiaa members and did not pay dues, that went out the door. And that was when I became interested in going.
And then, there was a meeting last Saturday from which I had to leave early. I still haven't heard the end of it... On my way out, I passed Orville, who ended up saying "No wonder Wes doesn't want to take you!"
[2/28]
It's been decided that I don't care about anything that's happening up to this point... whether or not I go on the dbf team trip is of no consequence anymore. If I go on the trip, great. If not, great. If get "picked" to go, I'll go and make sure I room w/ Jon and/or Adam, cuz [sic] I refuse to room w/ strangers.
Otherwise, it's been a good couple of days. Almost out from work at the moment. Lots of math students today.
January 2011
[Ok, here comes the past. I'll do my best not to filter too much (a lot of it irrelevant to tell you the truth). Anyway, here goes...]
[January 25, 2011]
Gus stopped by work today. I wonder if he'd read my e-mail that I sent him last night? Of if he'll even open it now that he saw me? He was here to talk to Dr. G mostly, but he did say hi to all of us... he came back a little bit later, but Dr. G was in the back office, so he sat with me. We talked about school mostly and how pharmacology school in Abq didn't work for him :/
It felt good to see him. His hair's longer and wears it across his face... cute, if you ask me. Ever since I saw his name at the orientation meeting, I keep replaying the time he gave me a hug over and over in my head. Why didn't I hug him back? Or at least show some confirmation of affection! Perhaps this is a second change?
I suppose one can only be hopeful...
[January 31, '11]
Gus never answered my e-mail... Perhaps that ship sailed a year ago or it was never in existence; I'm thinking it's the latter. I sent Eric a message on facebook [my ex-boyfriend]; perhaps I'm getting desperate and fishing for anything I can get...
Went bowling on Sat. night with Talia and Jonathan. we had fun and talked about stuff. Nothing memorable, obviously; with T and J, it's never memorable, just crazy and fun :) I'm always afraid to talk abut my own problems with the two together... (Jon would tell Amber before the night is over!).
I'm at work, more later...
[Later]
There's a meeting today for the aero team [for a plane-building competition]. I really, really don'want to go; not even a little bit. I have a massive headache and really just want to go home...
[Looking back, I realized I had been been in a dark place, and would be for a while longer. It wasn't until I acknowledged my problems to others and asked for their input that things would get better. I will never repay my debts to Talia and my other friends, but I'll try :) ]
[January 25, 2011]
Gus stopped by work today. I wonder if he'd read my e-mail that I sent him last night? Of if he'll even open it now that he saw me? He was here to talk to Dr. G mostly, but he did say hi to all of us... he came back a little bit later, but Dr. G was in the back office, so he sat with me. We talked about school mostly and how pharmacology school in Abq didn't work for him :/
It felt good to see him. His hair's longer and wears it across his face... cute, if you ask me. Ever since I saw his name at the orientation meeting, I keep replaying the time he gave me a hug over and over in my head. Why didn't I hug him back? Or at least show some confirmation of affection! Perhaps this is a second change?
I suppose one can only be hopeful...
[January 31, '11]
Gus never answered my e-mail... Perhaps that ship sailed a year ago or it was never in existence; I'm thinking it's the latter. I sent Eric a message on facebook [my ex-boyfriend]; perhaps I'm getting desperate and fishing for anything I can get...
Went bowling on Sat. night with Talia and Jonathan. we had fun and talked about stuff. Nothing memorable, obviously; with T and J, it's never memorable, just crazy and fun :) I'm always afraid to talk abut my own problems with the two together... (Jon would tell Amber before the night is over!).
I'm at work, more later...
[Later]
There's a meeting today for the aero team [for a plane-building competition]. I really, really don'want to go; not even a little bit. I have a massive headache and really just want to go home...
[Looking back, I realized I had been been in a dark place, and would be for a while longer. It wasn't until I acknowledged my problems to others and asked for their input that things would get better. I will never repay my debts to Talia and my other friends, but I'll try :) ]
Back from Slumber
I figured this blog would still be up... boy have some things changed and others remained perfectly the same. In the next month, perhaps I will archive my written journal (which I've kept for close to two years now) up here. My boyfriend (see! Things have changed!) is away with his family for June, so I'll have some alone time that I can use to look at the past... see where I'm headed. Until then...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The End is Upon Us
...of summer vacation, anyway lol. Only one more week of work (and the Monday after that)... I can honestly say I've enjoyed working this summer as a tutor. It's definitely become part of who I am as a person, and I'd like to think it's made me a better individual. :)
The boss and I had some bonding time one evening as I was closing; we talked about what the Center has become over the years she's worked there. It was a cool boss/employee moment, I must say; I feel like she's seen how hard I work and has come to appreciate me on a higher level than the other tutors (especially in contrast to Karla and Jacob's unreliability lol).
It's been a good week at home, as well. Brian and I have been making better and better food each day; and I've definitely become more creative in the kitchen. Cleaning is still a bother, but oh well lol. In any case, I'm going back home tomorrow, which will be nice. Talia and I have scheduled bowling on Saturday; and I keep trying to invite Amber to the movies tomorrow, but she's not answering my texts, so to heck with her! I'll ask T if she wants to go instead. Jonathan's been rather distant lately, I can invite him too, I guess.
No other news really. No drama, thankfully;
Louie
The boss and I had some bonding time one evening as I was closing; we talked about what the Center has become over the years she's worked there. It was a cool boss/employee moment, I must say; I feel like she's seen how hard I work and has come to appreciate me on a higher level than the other tutors (especially in contrast to Karla and Jacob's unreliability lol).
It's been a good week at home, as well. Brian and I have been making better and better food each day; and I've definitely become more creative in the kitchen. Cleaning is still a bother, but oh well lol. In any case, I'm going back home tomorrow, which will be nice. Talia and I have scheduled bowling on Saturday; and I keep trying to invite Amber to the movies tomorrow, but she's not answering my texts, so to heck with her! I'll ask T if she wants to go instead. Jonathan's been rather distant lately, I can invite him too, I guess.
No other news really. No drama, thankfully;
Louie
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Skippable Months
I've decided that life needs to skip the month of August so that I can have KH: Birth by Sleep on Sept. 7th, then we can jump all the way to my birthday and then to November, so that Harry Potter 7 can come out in theaters. And then, why not skip to Christmas? Ha! if only!
Was alone at work yesterday; had about fifteen students in the span of four hours, so it was definitely within my capabilities. :) Karla is no longer working with us, she's on vacation after Dr. G suggested she take the rest of hte summer off lol. Jacob was at a funeral, which made me a little sad for it; it was for one of my friends... I which I knew what to say to things like that... but he seemed well enough on Thursday.
Brian and I ordered pizza yesterday, and I had a monter-size 64oz. thing of Dr. Pepper. COULD NOT sleep to save my life, stayed up 'till 3 and I woke up at 7, still wired. I'll probably crash around midday to take a nap. He downloaded this old game, which I'd honestly hadn't heard of before, but still pretended to amuse him; we played till the better part of the night. Star Wars: Battle Grounds, I believe.
Called mum yesterday as well. She's happy and also has her teaching job lined up, I'm so excited for her! I'll keep her in my prayers.
For now,
Louie
Was alone at work yesterday; had about fifteen students in the span of four hours, so it was definitely within my capabilities. :) Karla is no longer working with us, she's on vacation after Dr. G suggested she take the rest of hte summer off lol. Jacob was at a funeral, which made me a little sad for it; it was for one of my friends... I which I knew what to say to things like that... but he seemed well enough on Thursday.
Brian and I ordered pizza yesterday, and I had a monter-size 64oz. thing of Dr. Pepper. COULD NOT sleep to save my life, stayed up 'till 3 and I woke up at 7, still wired. I'll probably crash around midday to take a nap. He downloaded this old game, which I'd honestly hadn't heard of before, but still pretended to amuse him; we played till the better part of the night. Star Wars: Battle Grounds, I believe.
Called mum yesterday as well. She's happy and also has her teaching job lined up, I'm so excited for her! I'll keep her in my prayers.
For now,
Louie
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Good Night
Had a good night yesterday; Brian came home finally lol. We went swimming 'cause it got ridiculously hot during the day. Allison came over later when she got out of work and I made chocolate pancakes and quesadillas for everyone :) I love to cook and make stuff. He left WTO her again lol. (they better be having earth shattering sex, 'cause I'm getting seriously lonely lol. They hinted at getting married as they were leaving, and they probaly should (they've only been dating 7 years now lol.
It was a good day at work too, for the most part anyway. I had an altercation with one of the tutors, but I'm past it, and i reall don't wanna get into it here.
I'm actually blogging from my iPod at work :) it hoes rwLly well and smoothly, which I like. It's probably 'cause it feels like a phone, and i have speedy fingers ;)
Well, I should be working, so I'll post at home later today.
Louie
It was a good day at work too, for the most part anyway. I had an altercation with one of the tutors, but I'm past it, and i reall don't wanna get into it here.
I'm actually blogging from my iPod at work :) it hoes rwLly well and smoothly, which I like. It's probably 'cause it feels like a phone, and i have speedy fingers ;)
Well, I should be working, so I'll post at home later today.
Louie
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